Addiction

Lost Nights

Restless
I push and I shove

Will this be as before?
Run away as soon as I feel love?

Anxious
I grasp and I pull

Will I forget
The only thing that can keep me whole?

Confused
I scratch and I hit

Will I figure out
All the pieces that won't seem to fit?

We cooked dinner. Both of us questioning ourselves and relying on the other. Sharing opinions, sharing stories, sharing laughter. And I thought to myself, "I could do this every day." Because I would be happy to clean your house, and wash your dishes, and cook you dinner. I would be overjoyed to take care of you when you are sick and rub your back when you are tired. I would gladly fold your clothes, and share your troubles, and try to make you laugh.
And I will patiently wait until you realize you feel the exact same way.

"Can't make it all alone

I've built my dreams around you"

Short and Free

The list of things I cannot say 

Is growing larger day by day.

Place my hand over my unceasing mouth,

Swallow back all those permanent words.

Keep them contained deep inside

Like a flock of restless, caged birds.

Someday I will set them free;

They will fly high for all to see.

Their cage is rusted from lack of use.

The lock is shut so very tight.

But I have fed them these long years,

Holding onto the hope of a future bright.

Points to Pain

Significance creates simplicity.

A continuation of falling words, falling thoughts, falling hopes, falling dreams

Catch them, will you? Hold them, can you?

The feeling that these complex situations will soon disappear

They saw that I belonged

They thought I was connected

When was the last time this was true?

Could you understand this deep loneliness?

Do you see that I can’t ever be whole?

I’ll be broken with you

We can be torn apart together

Damages and heartaches

The spaces between the pieces of a fractured life

Take the paint and fill them in

Piece by piece

Until it looks whole once again

Until the fractures have melded together

Be my reality?

Be my understanding?

“Why can’t I be that for you?”

That’s what you asked me

I’m scared of this jump

Even though I love the fall

I’m scared of that first step

Where everything points to pain in the end

Atlas

He is my Atlas:
World on his shoulders
All the responsibility that is his
And not his
To bear

He is my Atlas:
A map to his lands
All the possibilities he envisions
And fears
To share

He is my Atlas:
A diagram of his own
All the pieces that make him love
And hate
To care

"'If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders - What would you tell him?'

'I…don't know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?'

'To shrug.'”

-Ayn Rand

Don't believe all the things you hear:

Tonight I will make my room really, really cold. I will not shut my window. I will not put on more clothes. I will be cold. Because if I'm going to be alone, I might as well be cold while doing it.

Tonight I will listen to songs on repeat until I sleep. I will not change the playlist. I will not turn it off. I will listen. Because if I'm going to tell myself something over and over, I might as well hear it in a song.

Tonight I will not use my phone until the sun rises. I will not check to see if he has texted. I will not call anyone else. I will wait. Because if I'm not going to ask for help, I should just accept that I'm not going to get any.

Tonight I will drink an overabundance of water. I will not search for chocolate. I will not find that stashed wine. I will drink only water. Because if I'm going to pretend something can make me feel better, it might as well be healthy.

Tonight I will fall asleep. I will not lie awake for hours. I will not wake up in a panic. I will stay asleep. Because it's the one thing I really need, I just need to sleep.

Please world, let me sleep.

When you are with me and near me I am afraid of nothing, but through phone lines I feel you slipping, slipping, and slipping away.

Texts from Alison:

"I dreamt about you all night long. We were magical and battling against some Asian-style cartoons. We had super rad outfits and you helped me barter for a notebook on our quest. Then we flew back to California and I met your family and friends and OH THE BEST PART is the whole time we had these backpacks that could make us hover 30 feet above the ground and your friends smoked cigarettes doing it in an airport but nobody could even catch them because they were so much higher. Anyway I love you and want to go on an adventure BAD.

It was the best dream ever I didn't want to wake up at all haha it was way better than my current reality. I mean, hover backpacks??? I need one"

Oh let us please always be friends long lost twin

Said in trucks:

"You know I'm a horrible person right?"

"We all are. But you're good where it counts."

Home and Hope

As I drove over the mountains I became filled with a deep, overwhelming desire for a place I know does not exist. It hit me so hard that I struggled to breathe and tears began to fill my eyes. I down shifted into third to get enough power to make it up this hideously long hill and I told myself to calm down. Inhale, Exhale, Inhale again. My heart was growing even more heavy, drenched in salt water like a dripping sponge. As I reached the top of the hill the sun broke through the sea of clouds and my heart wrung itself out just enough. The sun burned through my window and began to dry my drowning heart. I was not home. I may never be home. But I had gained the smallest piece of home back again and that was enough. The smallest piece of home is hope, and that's really the only piece I need.

"And I...

...can't tell if you're laughing

Between each smile there's a tear in your eye"

Excerpt:

I found myself looking at the waves and the wind instead of at Jesus in the boat. And I realized I was sinking, sinking into the dark empty nothingness. So I grabbed on to the tiny rafts that floated by. I clung on to find some safety. Safety in the others clinging on with me. "I can help you!" they said and grasped at my hands. I held on because they were a danger I could see and know, and what swam beneath me was a danger unknown, a darkness unfathomable. So I would float with first one, and then when I knew they could no longer help me, I swam to another one, and another, until I found someone who could tackle all the other rafts out at sea. Someone big enough to fight all the others away, big enough to keep my feet dry. But no one was big enough to cover my own darkness. And I realized what was swimming beneath was the depths of my dark and empty soul.  In my fear I forgot that my options are never just two. The choice is not to either sink in the depths or cling to drifting logs tied with string, the choice should always be one. To stand in the waves and look up at the face of Jesus and have Him rescue me. Because I want so badly to believe that I can accomplish life on my own. But on my own I always will sink. And I can cling to those drowning with me or I can cling to true life. So I looked up expecting the emptiness that I had always seen around me. Expecting Jesus to be gone in His boat, off to save someone worthy of saving as I was sure I was not. But when I looked up I realized He had been there the whole time. Saying to me "Why did you doubt?" Why did I doubt? And my heart finally began to believe what I had known in my head all along: that He loves me now. Not tomorrow, not after I stop making a mess, not when I realize that I am a mess. Now. And yesterday, and the day before, and all those years of clinging to the lives of others. He loved me, He loves me. And the waves don't seem so big, the wind doesn't howl so strong, if I cling to Him. I am not so cold, and I am not alone, if I cling to Him. So that is who I will cling to, the only thing that will not fail, when all else around me does. I will cling to Him.

From August:

My heart in this place is torn

I've never felt so much
Beauty
and Light
In one place

But I miss you
I miss you
I miss you repeats
Over and over
In my head

I wish you could see this
The way I see it
The way the colors meld
The way the sun feels
The way the ocean sounds

My mind in this place is muddled

I've never been so
Sure
and Confident
As I am here

But I'm lonely
I'm lonely
I'm lonely penetrates
My constant barrier
Between my head and my heart


I wish I could see this
The way she sees it
The way the cloudless sky burns
The way the nights never last
The way the desolate desert dries

My soul in this place knows:
It is partway home

"Deadlines And Commitments" The Killers

That place we all run to
It can come down on you
The expectation can be great

If you should ever tire
Or if you should require
A sudden, simple twist of fate

Don't hide away
There's something to be said for pushing through
We'd never ride on horses that discourage you

If you should fall upon hard times
If you should lose your way
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

If you should find romance
Go on and take that chance
Before the strategies begin

Deadlines and commitments
Every morning
And in the evening
They can suck you in
Boy, don't I know it

This offer would be standing
All you've got to do is call
Don't be afraid to knock on the door

I'm not talking about
Deadlines and commitments
Sold out of confusion
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

Catch you, darling
I'll be waiting
I am on your side

March 4, 2006

When I was 15:

Let's leave, let's meet somewhere. In an airport in Belgium, in a coffee shop in Venezuela, in a parking lot in England. I'll be there, I'll be everywhere. Will we be like this forever? I wonder and I wish. All the miles that seperate lives. We can reach that far right? We'll jump across the stars and meet eachother in the middle. We can dance on our star, and when it's time to leave we'll carve our names in it so we can always find our way back. Let's prove them all wrong shall we? I'll walk across the ocean for you, I'll climb any mountain you want, I'll run through the thorns, because on the other shore, on the peak, on the other side, life is even better. We'll never forget will we? Even if I turn fifty and my hair turns grey, I still won't forget. My memory will plauge me. So tonight I'll beam you good thoughts and better memories and hope they find a way to your heart. I'll send you hope and love and joy. We will find a way, let's make this reality. I love you.

i'm holding
holding
holding on

to something i fear
is already
gone

And my heart stops

"You can't navigate me. I may do mean things, and I may hurt you, and I may run away without your permission, and you may hate me forever, and I know that scares the living shit outta you 'cause you know I'm the only real thing you got."

"This may sound corny, but... you don't want me. I'm damaged goods."

 "How happy is the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."

Stanzas of Worth

What is worth defined by?
It it how successful I am?
How much money I make?
How much others like me?

or,
Is worth defined by character?
How nice I am to strangers?
How honest I am with my family?
How loyal I am to my friends?

or,
Is worth defined by passion?
What I truly love to do?
Who I invest my heart in?
What makes me feel alive?

or,
Is worth defined by soul?
Where I am going when I am gone?
Who I pray to before I fall asleep?
How willingly I follow what I am called to do?

Maybe worth is how I'm viewed
By those I say I love
Maybe worth is how I see
The things that I have overcome

Maybe it is everything
All rolled into one
Maybe it is nothing
Except who I will become

Why We Are Sad

That is why we are so pretty,

Don’t you know?

Because we are allowed to be sad

For no reason whatsoever

All that unnecessary sadness

Turns into bright eyes

And half smiles

On cold nights

It turns into that shy look

We get when we know

We’re in love

It melts into every peal of laughter

That rings forth

When we are truly happy

And that is why sometimes

We need to just be sad

Because without being sad

Our prettiness begins to fade

And you with your foolish eyes

Cannot see what is inside

Unless it perfectly matches

What is outside

You cannot see

That our souls are full

Of passion and loyalty

You cannot see

That our very core

Is resonating to love

And be loved

Forevermore

Indiana

"I drove in a car headed towards Indiana
Riding through your sister states we saw the Mississippi
And stayed for a while

Somewhere in Nebraska in a gas station bathroom
I wrote
That I loved you

There are girls who will never know the things I know
And there are boys who will never feel the things I feel
Won't you keep a light on when I'm lost and wandering?

In the sky birds flew in piles
As if told to do so


There are girls who will never know the things I know
And there are boys who will never feel the things I feel
Won't you keep a light on when I'm lost and wondering?
Who to be
Who to be"

Childhood Hope

I hope you know that I will let you go
If you really don't want to stay
But I will wait
Until you let me know
That I should really go away

Maybe This Is All Of Us

"I, I don't know what I am. I just know that there’s something dark in me, and I hide it. I certainly don’t talk about it, but it’s there, always. This dark passenger, and when he’s driving I feel alive. Half sick with the thrill, the complete wrongness. I don’t fight him, I don’t want to. He’s all I’ve got. Nothing else could love me. Not even, well especially not me."

Thursday, September 16th 2010

I miss the security of knowing that the person you love loves you back. I miss that look that makes all the sense in the world where nothing needs to be said. I miss that a smile meant nothing and everything. I miss that the unnecessary smile was returned. I miss somehow knowing that everything would work out fine, even though it somehow didn’t. I miss being confident, and not hiding. I miss being able to be exactly the way I am. I miss the hope of a future. I miss this feeling that I’m starting to feel in tiny moments again, but I know won’t be returned. Falling is frightening and falling for the wrong person hits hard. I hope I don’t land so hard that I break.

And now:

The irony is funny

"One thing is for sure

That is we are not the same
Some of us destroy
Anything that's in our way
While some of us would rather die
Then cause another person pain

That's why I'm not giving up yet
No I'm not giving up yet

Hold on to any truth that you find
It's so hard these days to tell right from wrong and wrong from right

But I'm not giving up yet
No I'm not giving up just yet"

Disjointed

I cannot write

Coherent thoughts

As my heart breaks for you

While you sit there

So alone

Let me in

Let me in

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I know you don’t believe

That these good things can come true

But there is so much possibility

So much life to dream

All I want to do

Is reach out and touch you

And I can’t

Come closer

To where

Our hearts can meet

No one deserves

To feel like this

No one should have

This much pain

If I could,

I would take it

All away

Can I give back all

That has been taken from you?

Will you let me in?

I know where your worth comes from

It’s from your soul

And your depth

And your honesty

And your inherent goodness

Let me help you

Pick up

All those pieces

This is not a poem

This is not a song

This is my heart

Disjointed for you

Here I Am

"He don't call me one and only
No, he just calls me when he gets lonely,
Something I do gets him there
To feel better and get well

There's no love without this pain

There's no one time without again

And there no way that I am

What he needs now

I'm just a passing glance
Not a for sure without a chance
And there's no way that I am
What he sees now

Don't call me one and only,

Just call me when you get lonely."

Magic

If everything is magic

Then my magic is in this:

Yesterdays sorrows

So easily melt

Into hopes for tomorrow

"I didn't wait for you
Because you didn't wait for me
And it seems like we're really through
Strange how I don't feel free

Sometimes I want you here
Sometimes I want you there
Maybe I live in fear
Maybe I just don't care

And my head feels confused and distracted
And my heart feels so empty
There's no excuse for the way that I acted
You are the one for me

I wait for things to change
Cause they start to slip away
I know that I've caused you pain
That's why it's hard to stay


And my head feels confused and distracted
And my heart feels so empty
I'm not ashamed of the way that I've acted
You are the same as me."

And I will listen

To every song you've sent

over

and over

Until you decided

To call me back.

Cars aren't Contagious

I.

Cars aren't contagious

But if they were,

I'd want you to send yours

To where I am

I'd want it infected,

With everything that ails you

And everything

That you have been cured from

Fill it with all you hate

And all you love

And send it across these two thousand miles

Cars aren't contagious

So mine wont hurt you

When it comes to find you

So very far away

You'll need it

While I go through yours

And study

Everything you have felt

I'll fill mine with joy

And laughter

And hope to fill the time while I'm away

Can you record

All that you have seen

In this car of yours?

And I will play it

On repeat

As I go through the days

While I lay in bed

Filled with the contagiousness of you

And watch your world

Dive slowly by

II.

Cars aren't contagious

But I've found,

That you have infected me

With all that you are

You have completely 

Invaded my heart and soul

Like a virus

That can't be cured

You fill my waking thoughts

And dreams

With images of you

Cars aren't contagious

So I'm surprised,

When I grow sicker

Day by day

Life could be

So much easier in every way

If you were here

With me everyday

So I'll fill my time

And life

With waiting for you

Can you drive

Faster than you ever have

To meet me here?

And I will keep you

Here with me

For the rest of time

While we live

Filled with unending love

And see the world

Go driving by

Of Fifty Years

I remember the days

When you cut it twice

And it was still too short

Those fingers that have been hacked

And sawed

And bruised

They created beauty

If all weddings

And wishes

Continued on together

I remember the days

Cooking together

Side by side in the kitchen

Those dishes that have been envisioned

And perfected

And served

They create a family

If all of us tried

And triumphed

Over our shortcomings

I remember breakfast

Always on the table

And a good book

Always within reach

I remember digging in the sand

Time draining with every shell

And sailing on the sea

Time fleeing with the sun

Memories

Grouping together

Forming a picture

Focusing all the pieces

To the center

Of fifty years

Together

To my dear Grandparents who have been married for fifty years. I hope someday I can say the same. I love you both so very much.

Love is an imperative

"...this is who Pen had always been, a person who believed that people who loved each other were different from everyone else, from the world in general, exempt from the usual pressures of time and change, of growing older or of growing up. When it came to love, Will's friend Pen was that rare and dangerous thing: a true believer."

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     "Of course, there are situations i which it's the wrong choice, " Pen went on, "for the same reason that anything is the wrong choice: you hurt people, you break promises. Although I suppose that not everyone would agree with that."
     "Maybe not."
     "But if you're not hurting anyone, then I think you have no choice but to, well, honor it."
     "Honor? What do you mean honor?"
     "Acknowledge it. Follow it. Chase it. Hold on to it. Whatever."
     There was a silence on the other end of the line, during which Pen watched the ladybug fly, a black blur, from the lampshade to the curtain of the window next to the bed.
     Will said, "All right, I give up."
     "What?"
     "I'm not getting it. Your pronoun reference."
     "What are you talking about?"
     "The 'it.' I need a real noun. The right choice, the thing you follow, hold on to, et cetera."
     "Love," said Pen impatiently. "What else would I be talking about?"
     Another silence.
     Finally, Will said, "So you're saying, 'Love wins, automatically.'"
     "No. Well, maybe. Except that makes it sound easy when it's not. Or not most of the time. It's stringent. Exacting," said Pen. "I think love is an imperative. It obligates you."

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     "And I'm not just talking about being in love. I mean any kind of love. You don't mess around. You don't walk away. You can't."
     "Can't. Can't is hard-core."
     "It's what we're here for," explained Pen. "It's what we're for."


-Falling Together

From Planes and Trains and Buses

I am swimming in that place between grief and joy. The waves of sorrow crashing onto the shores of excitement. I am trying to catch one in, be pushed onto the shore before this sorrow overcomes me and I sink and sink until all I see is sorrow. But I don't want to travel so far that I forget the land I have swum from. Can I keep the excitement, remember the sorrow, but not feel the sorrow? How do I build a house close enough to see the waves, yet far enough to feel no pain? Where can I place my roots so that they can still travel far, without leaving where they've been? Can the past and future collide into a perfect present? I make it to the shore and walk away from the tumultuous surf. Where will I go now? For I know I cannot always stay on this sand. This excitement will not always remain. And someday I will head back out into the sea, through sorrow, to find the next joy.

What I Fear

They were young

And in love

A classic story

Told a thousand times

She called him when she woke

And before he fell asleep.

He dreamed of being together

And living in vulnerable peace.

But now he no longer fixes cars

And she no longer fixes lives

He sits in his office

And watches the young secretaries

Come

And go

So full of life

And hope

She only sees people

Who are in a last ditch effort

To stay

Together

So desperately empty

And alone

"I never knew,"

She says to herself

"That this love and life

Would fade

All the excitement of love

Being blown away."

"I never thought,"

He whispers in his mind

"That there were others

More and more

With everything I sought

And everything I thought I found"

So they return home

To their hollow house

Full of regret

And disappointment

And she looks to him

To dispel the fear

And he looks to her

To draw him near 

But instead they begin to break

And slowly they fall, far apart.

I Just Wanna Know

"Well I don’t care about the past

I just wanna know that you’ll stay with me

I’m all worried there’s a chance

I might show a side that you don’t wanna see

I know I must have told you before

But every day I love you more

It’s not going to stop, no

If you can’t stay"

-Go Slowpoke

Oh do I care?

Do I care? Do I care? Do I care?

"Every child is a peace offering"

Do I care?
All the things I'm risking. Maybe I'm doing it on purpose.
All the things they thought I did right. Maybe it doesn't matter.

He made his house safe
So she wouldn't be afraid

Maybe that's what I need

Swim

My Teeth

In my dreams my teeth keep falling out
falling out
falling out

I don't mind so much,
They seem to grow back easily.
But the more that fall,
The more nervous I get.

I try to hide them behind my back...
Drop them down sewers...
Fill my pockets with them...

It hurts as they grow back in
Pushing up through my gums
Knocking the teeth before them out
Growing into the open spaces

As each falls I ask myself,
"Is this a baby tooth?"
And I keep deciding they are,

Which means they will grow back
It does not matter
So very much

But I'm afraid that soon
I'll realize they're all grown up
And I'll lose them

And they can't come back ever,
Ever,
Ever.

Needles and Pins

Needles and pins,
Needles and pins,
Sew me a sail
To catch me the wind.
Sew me a sail
Strong as the gale,
Carpenter, bring out your
Hammers and nails.
Hammers and nails,
Hammers and nails,
Build me a boat
To go chasing the whales.
Chasing the whales,
Sailing the blue
Find me a captain
And sign me a crew.
Captain and crew,
Captain and crew,
Take me, oh take me
To anywhere new.
-Shel Silverstein 

frustration

dealing with never-ending selfishness is draining
like giving blood into a bag
that then is given to someone with too much blood already

i get weaker and smaller
while she gets larger and louder
a giant stomping,
crushing what i love.

go away go away go away

Oh Gatsby

"'When I think about going for anything more than that I look at my life and who I am and I'm too far gone. I'm broken.'

'Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be.'"

-How I Met Your Mother

Where to Land?

Those East Coast beaches

Are awfully clean

And the Florida colors

Never stray from green

I hear states like Maine

Have the most beautiful falls

And up in New York

The buildings are tall

The states in the south

Still have all their charm

But the heat in the summer

Might do you some harm

These Midwestern summers

Are perfectly nice

But the winters will freeze you

All covered in ice

Las Vegas has bright lights

Montana has clean air

In Seattle it rains

158 days of the year

Texas is large enough

To be its own nation

Colorado has enough sunshine

To cause mass elation

Hawaii is a place

Everyone wants to be

The Alaskan wilderness

Is brilliant to see

California it seems

Has something for all

The beaches are vast

And the Redwoods are tall

And this is all just one country,

Each state with something grand

The world is much bigger

How do I choose where to land?

"Won't you tell me what you're thinking of?

Would you be an outlaw for my love?

If it's so then let me know
If it's no then I can go

I won't make you"

My Life Is Defined By Summers

The summer crew

"You come around"

Every hello is a goodbye

Of choices and losses

Summer come soon and bring changes

changes that lead to hope

changes that lead to new life

And she emptied her life of all real emotions

In order to stay alive

But now alive is not what she wants

And empty has become a cave with no end

A valley with no bottom

A cavern with no light

Someone send her more than living

Someone fill her with more than pills

Someone steal her more than fake laughter

Knowing the right answers is not enough

She needs to feel them

But she cannot feel

Because feeling leads to pain

And pain leads to sorrow

And sorrow leads to despair  

Please don't forget that she can smile
Please don't forget she used to laugh
Please don't forget she once truly lived

But sometimes, after all the drinks
She looks at him and sees
More feelings than she can bear
More depth than she wants to believe

A dissociated emptiness
Has become a hollow shell
She's hiding all her fears
In a box filled with hell

Open it some whisper
Fiddling with the lid
But brick upon invisible brick
Crush down on what's within

As her fingers play an imaginary tune
On a head filled with lies
She holds deep within
Harrowing cries

How alive is living?
And at what cost does it come?

But all she wants to do is breathe
Inhale deeply,
Exhale slow,
Inhale again

Can her broken heart mend?
Can her prayers be heard?
Can her world turn right again?


And she emptied her life of all real emotions

In order to stay alive

Always

"No one has to hear

The sound of people laughing at their fears

And the ocean and sun are always there

To make you happy if you're feeling scared

Of the darkness"

-MGMT (Love Always Remains)

Make me laugh, Make me think

"No woman, none of us have to go to anyone. And the idea that we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves."

Things in Texts

I think I stopped being angry and now all I'm left with is emptiness and regret and loneliness. Angry me just had friends, yelled a lot and was reckless. Way more fun. Now I feel like i'm in a hole where I can't see the sun and I'm sinking in the mud of my foolishness. I'm really lost, and it scares me more than I'll admit because not only did I waste all that time, I wasted all of my heart. And I know I pretend things don't matter but I never knew I could break in this way. I never knew someone could destroy me like this. Yes, I will get over him and yes, I will love someone else, but I've lost so much of myself that can never be regained. I miss me. And I don't think I can get that part back.


And yet, he still did not understand. And she was still left alone and lost and empty.

The War

We brought our swords to battle,

All lined up along the cliff.

On chariots and horses

In armor forged of steel.

The sea it raged below us,

Death boiling at the brim.

Black waves climbing ever higher

Reaching for our souls.

Our Captain stood before

Shining white like the setting sun

He raised his helmet high above his head

His voice roared as he spoke

"Today begins the battle

Of us against the sea.

Although it seems impossible,

Anything is possible with me."

Some of us were shaking

Fear pounding through our blood.

Others had already fled

Tossing down their swords.

The sea seemed ever greater

Stretching on and on

My fear threatened to take over

When I heard the battle cry sound

Down the troops began to fall,

Slashing at the waves

My feet refused to jump,

My sword dropped to the ground.

I knew I needed to fight the sea

To conquer better lands,

But so many had been swallowed already

And I was afraid to drown

Then I felt abiding warmth,

Flowing through and all around

I knew the Captain was standing by

Holding onto my arm

“I am afraid of the sea,”

I whispered through my shame

He turned my face up toward His,

“I will guard you, hang on to me.”

I gripped His hand harder still

And picked back up my sword

Then hand in hand we took the leap

Pressing into the waves

The sea froze to the bone

My air began to fail

I tried to find the oceans end

I fought to see the sky

I almost wanted to give in

Let the sea win the war

But then I felt my body rise

Then I felt the warmth

The sea had turned to calming blue

The sun had begun to rise

I realized I was being carried still

All the way to white and sandy shores

My Captain placed me down

Among the others who had fought

He looked at me through tears of joy,

“My soldier, the war is won.”

Okay

I need it to be okay that I can't hold all this together.
I need it to be okay to say that it's too much.
I need it to be okay that the pride and strength that runs in my family is not helpful.
I need it to be okay that I can't handle everything on my own.
I need it to be okay to let somethings go.
I need it to be okay

I need    to be okay.

Life is skinnier without you

When I began here

I believed in change,

I believed in light,

And hope

But now I disagree,
Now darkness descends
And the thing with feathers has flown
So very far away.

"I have tried but I don't fit

Into this box I'm living with

I could go wild

But you might lock me up"

Of Fathers and Daughters

“As much as I love you, Jesus loves you more. I sacrifice a lot because I love you, but Jesus sacrificed everything because he loves you. So if somewhere along the way you fail a test or love a boy who does not love you back or have a mastectomy or develop Alzheimers or gain some weight or lose a job, you will still hold infinite value because Jesus loves you. No matter what. You are loved exactly as you are. Always.”

Dear Dad,

Do you remember that hug?

Yes, that specific one,

Intertwined with all the others,

But still so very significant.

You probably don't,

Because to you it was just a hug.

But to me it changed so very much

Do you remember that song?

The one we listened to a million times

The last notes transferring into the first,

A continuous, unbroken circle

You might not,

We listened to a lot of songs

But it showed me how much you loved me

Do you remember that breakfast?

The one that we drove to on your scooter,

While I sang the whole way

Like I always do

It may be faded in your memory,

So many meals, with so many people,

It told me that I could tell you anything

Do you remember that late night?

When I couldn't sleep

And neither could you,

And we talked about nothing?

You may have forgotten,

We always have a lot of sleepless nights,

But it showed me I was not alone.

Do you remember that talk?

The one where I hoped you would not be disappointed

Where I waited for what questions might come

But all that came was a hug.

Have I asked you about that hug?

Have I asked you about all those moments?

Have I told you how you changed me?

Have I told you that without you

My life would have been forever dented?

All because I didn't have those little moments 

With you

-Your Daughter

"There will be liars and thieves who take from you

Not to undermine the consequence

But you are not what you do

And when you need it most

I have a hundred reasons why I love you"

Damaged

"Dreaming comes so easily,
'Cause it's all that I've known.

True love is a fairy tale.

I'm damaged, so how would I know?

I'm scared and I'm alone,
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know:

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,

And you can't take back what you've taken away

Cause I feel you, I feel you near me


Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone.

Will anyone get close to me?

I'm damaged as I'm sure you know.

There's mending for my soul,

An ending to this fear

Forgiveness for a man who was stronger

I was just a little girl,

But I can't go back"