Love Me

You could try to love me.

You know it's true,

You're already halfway there.

Held back by fear,

and a bit of sadness.

But I could be the universe to you.

You know it's true,

If you'd let me.

Foolish Love

"How do you know he loves you?" She asked incredulously, "He's never said it. He's never even come close."

But, oh, of course he has. When he says, "Get some more rest" and "what did you eat?" and "can I ask you a favor?". Of course he loves me.

Instead, to her, I replied, "It matters far less what he says to me. It matters more that I love him."

"This is why you are a fool."

She was right. Foolishness is easy when you love as hard as you can.

Try

My daughter is lying in bed and crying.

"I try my best, mama, promise I'm trying my hardest!" She wails into the air. 

She should have been asleep 30 minutes ago.

Tucked away into a dream world of dragons and the tall boy in her class- "He thinks I'm cute, mama."- warrior cats, mermaids, kickboxing, a princess or two, and multiplication. All rolled into her personal Neverland.

Instead she cries to me from the bottom bunk.

I don't want her to try her best. 

I am very tired of us all trying. Trying our hardest, doing good work, putting in our best effort.

Oh, little girl, it is enough to simply try a little. It is enough to fill the world with a bit more good than evil each day. Just a tiny bit. That's enough. We don't need our hardest and our best all the time. Maybe, instead we could try a little and then rest.

"My dear," I say to her, holding her face in my hands, "you are just enough as you are. And I love you even when you don't try at all. I love you and I don't want you any other way. Just you. Trying or not, it doesn't matter."

And the little mantra that this precious girl made up for her sister so many years ago, once again runs through my head, "I love you no matter what... I love you no matter what..."

"You don't have to try anymore," I whisper to her, "you just have to sleep." 

A kiss on the head, my hand rubs her back under the blanket. I sit on the floor of her room until she quiets. All is still.

And she no longer tries. Instead, she rests.

Needy

He told me I couldn't be needy
But I never knew I was before.

I was just being...

I think who I am is needy.
But I never ask for more than I give.

So now I can't see it.

And now I can't be.

Disillusioned

He said he could never tell if I was happy,

Or just pretending to be. 

I remember being happy.

So much of the time.

Telling him our life was good,

over and over.

But he couldn't believe me.

He said he never took care of me,

He could never figure out how.

It's easy,

Taking care of someone.

If you really love them,

enough to try.

But he couldn't try.

He said he wouldn't...

...wouldn't try.

I thought all those years were him trying.

In Black

Only wearing black this weekend,
mourning them with celebrations.
They're still here,
just not the way they were.

Plus, they always loved me in black.

3 Weeks

He loved me for 3 weeks.

The first 2 like a rapid inhale,

As if I was a drug he had accidentally tried,

And fallen into a deep addiction to.

He loved me those days,

calling me at every free moment.

Caring for my wounds

that he had not caused.

I was the obsession eating through his brain.

And I had been starved,

so I kept eating.

By the end of week 2,

he had seen me cry.

It broke something in him.

He spent week 3 sleeping,

constant,

10 hours a day.

While, I, who had gorged on his obsession.

Sat satiated,

watching. Waiting.

When he woke he thought he could love me again.

But those tears

and the obsession.

He was afraid to inhale again.

So he held his breath.

Hoping he could hold me still.

But I either fill your lungs,

or dissipate into nothing.

He let me go,

smoke into air.

And now I grow thin again,

with nothing to feed me.

No ability to have a love that satisfies.