My Life Is Defined By Summers

The summer crew

"You come around"

Every hello is a goodbye

Of choices and losses

Summer come soon and bring changes

changes that lead to hope

changes that lead to new life

And she emptied her life of all real emotions

In order to stay alive

But now alive is not what she wants

And empty has become a cave with no end

A valley with no bottom

A cavern with no light

Someone send her more than living

Someone fill her with more than pills

Someone steal her more than fake laughter

Knowing the right answers is not enough

She needs to feel them

But she cannot feel

Because feeling leads to pain

And pain leads to sorrow

And sorrow leads to despair  

Please don't forget that she can smile
Please don't forget she used to laugh
Please don't forget she once truly lived

But sometimes, after all the drinks
She looks at him and sees
More feelings than she can bear
More depth than she wants to believe

A dissociated emptiness
Has become a hollow shell
She's hiding all her fears
In a box filled with hell

Open it some whisper
Fiddling with the lid
But brick upon invisible brick
Crush down on what's within

As her fingers play an imaginary tune
On a head filled with lies
She holds deep within
Harrowing cries

How alive is living?
And at what cost does it come?

But all she wants to do is breathe
Inhale deeply,
Exhale slow,
Inhale again

Can her broken heart mend?
Can her prayers be heard?
Can her world turn right again?


And she emptied her life of all real emotions

In order to stay alive

Always

"No one has to hear

The sound of people laughing at their fears

And the ocean and sun are always there

To make you happy if you're feeling scared

Of the darkness"

-MGMT (Love Always Remains)

Make me laugh, Make me think

"No woman, none of us have to go to anyone. And the idea that we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves."

Things in Texts

I think I stopped being angry and now all I'm left with is emptiness and regret and loneliness. Angry me just had friends, yelled a lot and was reckless. Way more fun. Now I feel like i'm in a hole where I can't see the sun and I'm sinking in the mud of my foolishness. I'm really lost, and it scares me more than I'll admit because not only did I waste all that time, I wasted all of my heart. And I know I pretend things don't matter but I never knew I could break in this way. I never knew someone could destroy me like this. Yes, I will get over him and yes, I will love someone else, but I've lost so much of myself that can never be regained. I miss me. And I don't think I can get that part back.


And yet, he still did not understand. And she was still left alone and lost and empty.

The War

We brought our swords to battle,

All lined up along the cliff.

On chariots and horses

In armor forged of steel.

The sea it raged below us,

Death boiling at the brim.

Black waves climbing ever higher

Reaching for our souls.

Our Captain stood before

Shining white like the setting sun

He raised his helmet high above his head

His voice roared as he spoke

"Today begins the battle

Of us against the sea.

Although it seems impossible,

Anything is possible with me."

Some of us were shaking

Fear pounding through our blood.

Others had already fled

Tossing down their swords.

The sea seemed ever greater

Stretching on and on

My fear threatened to take over

When I heard the battle cry sound

Down the troops began to fall,

Slashing at the waves

My feet refused to jump,

My sword dropped to the ground.

I knew I needed to fight the sea

To conquer better lands,

But so many had been swallowed already

And I was afraid to drown

Then I felt abiding warmth,

Flowing through and all around

I knew the Captain was standing by

Holding onto my arm

“I am afraid of the sea,”

I whispered through my shame

He turned my face up toward His,

“I will guard you, hang on to me.”

I gripped His hand harder still

And picked back up my sword

Then hand in hand we took the leap

Pressing into the waves

The sea froze to the bone

My air began to fail

I tried to find the oceans end

I fought to see the sky

I almost wanted to give in

Let the sea win the war

But then I felt my body rise

Then I felt the warmth

The sea had turned to calming blue

The sun had begun to rise

I realized I was being carried still

All the way to white and sandy shores

My Captain placed me down

Among the others who had fought

He looked at me through tears of joy,

“My soldier, the war is won.”