Love Me

You could try to love me.

You know it's true,

You're already halfway there.

Held back by fear,

and a bit of sadness.

But I could be the universe to you.

You know it's true,

If you'd let me.

Foolish Love

"How do you know he loves you?" She asked incredulously, "He's never said it. He's never even come close."

But, oh, of course he has. When he says, "Get some more rest" and "what did you eat?" and "can I ask you a favor?". Of course he loves me.

Instead, to her, I replied, "It matters far less what he says to me. It matters more that I love him."

"This is why you are a fool."

She was right. Foolishness is easy when you love as hard as you can.

Try

My daughter is lying in bed and crying.

"I try my best, mama, promise I'm trying my hardest!" She wails into the air. 

She should have been asleep 30 minutes ago.

Tucked away into a dream world of dragons and the tall boy in her class- "He thinks I'm cute, mama."- warrior cats, mermaids, kickboxing, a princess or two, and multiplication. All rolled into her personal Neverland.

Instead she cries to me from the bottom bunk.

I don't want her to try her best. 

I am very tired of us all trying. Trying our hardest, doing good work, putting in our best effort.

Oh, little girl, it is enough to simply try a little. It is enough to fill the world with a bit more good than evil each day. Just a tiny bit. That's enough. We don't need our hardest and our best all the time. Maybe, instead we could try a little and then rest.

"My dear," I say to her, holding her face in my hands, "you are just enough as you are. And I love you even when you don't try at all. I love you and I don't want you any other way. Just you. Trying or not, it doesn't matter."

And the little mantra that this precious girl made up for her sister so many years ago, once again runs through my head, "I love you no matter what... I love you no matter what..."

"You don't have to try anymore," I whisper to her, "you just have to sleep." 

A kiss on the head, my hand rubs her back under the blanket. I sit on the floor of her room until she quiets. All is still.

And she no longer tries. Instead, she rests.

Needy

He told me I couldn't be needy
But I never knew I was before.

I was just being...

I think who I am is needy.
But I never ask for more than I give.

So now I can't see it.

And now I can't be.

Disillusioned

He said he could never tell if I was happy,

Or just pretending to be. 

I remember being happy.

So much of the time.

Telling him our life was good,

over and over.

But he couldn't believe me.

He said he never took care of me,

He could never figure out how.

It's easy,

Taking care of someone.

If you really love them,

enough to try.

But he couldn't try.

He said he wouldn't...

...wouldn't try.

I thought all those years were him trying.

In Black

Only wearing black this weekend,
mourning them with celebrations.
They're still here,
just not the way they were.

Plus, they always loved me in black.

3 Weeks

He loved me for 3 weeks.

The first 2 like a rapid inhale,

As if I was a drug he had accidentally tried,

And fallen into a deep addiction to.

He loved me those days,

calling me at every free moment.

Caring for my wounds

that he had not caused.

I was the obsession eating through his brain.

And I had been starved,

so I kept eating.

By the end of week 2,

he had seen me cry.

It broke something in him.

He spent week 3 sleeping,

constant,

10 hours a day.

While, I, who had gorged on his obsession.

Sat satiated,

watching. Waiting.

When he woke he thought he could love me again.

But those tears

and the obsession.

He was afraid to inhale again.

So he held his breath.

Hoping he could hold me still.

But I either fill your lungs,

or dissipate into nothing.

He let me go,

smoke into air.

And now I grow thin again,

with nothing to feed me.

No ability to have a love that satisfies. 

In 34 Years

I dream of you at 60.
Worn hands and tired eyes.
Wrinkles in all the right places from laughter.
A life of joy.

Will you find your way back to me then?
After our time apart?

I know you cannot keep me,
through these next years. 
You have to go and be.
Without me.

But please, my love,
Please.

Return to me grey and contented.
I'll love you then as I do now. 
A kiss to the inside of your wrist. 
Tracing my hands along your shoulders.
Gentle, and easy.

There's no one else with whom I welcome age.
Just you. 

Scent

I can't get the smell of you off of me.

The thing I used to love,
Crave.
Stuck, clawing to my hair and skin.

I showered twice when I got home;
After I threw up.
Yet it lingers.

I've been trying to scrub you off for months now.
Feeling like I can finally breathe,
Without catching you:
Your hair,
Body,
Clothes,
Skin,
Lurking around every corner.

But today,
You were back.
Without warning.

And now I'm once again tortured,
By the scent of you.

Uglier

My toes are uglier without you
and my knees.

I've never felt more beautiful
than when you looked at me.

And now that you refuse to look,
each piece of me is uglier.

Disfigured to my own eyes.
I was beautiful because you believed me to be.

Lost You Both

Today 
After we walked away,
I wanted to call you. 
And say,

I finally met up with him,
But it was awkward
And tense

And he didn't interact with me
Like he wanted me there.

And you would have laughed
At my awkward stories
And how I felt so wrong

But I can't call you
About you.
My person.
No longer mine.

So instead I will sit on the train
Alone
And cry.

Having lost a lover,
And a friend
All at once.

You twist the knife

watch me bleed

and walk away.

Indifferent.

Functioning

"How are you even functioning?" She asked

The truth is I'm not

I no longer know how to breathe.
Every moment I am holding back tears
and sometimes
they win.

Yesterday they beat me twice,
in a place where I never cry.
A place where I am strongest.
No one knew what to do.

"It's fine! Calm down..."
But I couldn't.

So I hyperventilated in a stairwell.
While a businessman talked on his phone,
unbothered.

And then I returned.
And fought.
And refused to quit.

I am nothing if not stubborn.
This is how I am functioning.

Lemon Seabass

In my 20s the thought of loneliness 
was unbearable.

But here I sit at 32,
alone in so many ways,
content in eating in silence.

Seabass in a lemon sauce
my only company at the table.

Sisyphus

Here I am,
Sisyphus,

believing I've almost reached the top.

Boulder as heavy

as the time before.

And though I tire,

I do not quit.

This time,

I thought, 

this time I would make it.

Almost at the precipice,

when the boulder began, once again, to fall

crushing me in the process.

Broken,

I return to the bottom

and begin to push.

Hopeless,

but, no...

...hopeful enough,

to try again.

Vices

I use up my joy by giving it away.

Handing energy out to people

who have none to give back.

Hoping they keep it for a little while. 

Too many people prefer me sad.

When I'm happy,

really happy,

I dive full force into the world.

Unashamed,

Unafraid.

It frightens people,

that level of joy.

They would rather me be smaller,

more contained.

I don't want these virtues.

They've never done me any good.

Humility,

Selflessness,

Self-control.

Take them back.

Give me a pride that won't be tamed.

Let me take what I want with abandon.

Open the cage door, set me free.

But oh,

they won't like me that way.

Too much,

too loud,

too bright.

They'll try to shove me back down.

As they have before.

Well,

f*** you all,

I'm done with virtue.

Let's see how these vices play. 

Days on my Mind

On the days
when I am a clear mind;

Like the view from the mountains
to the sea
from the hill behind
my grandparents house;

I can see a way to exist.
To move forward with joy
and love,
even with all that has been lost.

Other days 
when my mind is a cloud;

Like the day I could not see
my parents balcony across the way,
hidden by suffocating smog
not a storm, but pollution;

All I see is darkness.
Trapped by expectations
and past beliefs,
unable to find my way forward.

Today,
my mind is empty, blank;

Like I am awaiting a telescope
to find the galaxies,
hidden billions of years deep
inside my soul;

Waiting on the universe.
Dropping all control
and longing,
allowing what will be, to be.

Shattered

I heard the crack,
the breaking,
residual silence.

These cuts are deep.
And the blood pours heavy
warm and pulsating
down my arm.

But now, after the stitches,
I still find the fragments
laying on the floor.
Slicing my hands as I pick them up.

The pain is endless,
deep and heavy
Or
shallow and sharp.

Every time I sweep 
I find more tiny slivers and shards
Lodged in my feet.

A neverending torment
reminding me 
that my world is now shattered.

Sharks in the Water

I'm trapped
underwater
Sharks swimming.

Keep
them
at bay.

No scent of blood

But my wound is gaping
and they can smell it.

Swim
Up

Get out

Get out

Before I'm eaten alive. 

If I Ever Find Love Again

If I ever find love again,

I will be chosen.

I will not chase them down,

Determined,

Strong,

Loving.

I will wait,

Hold myself in ways that are unnatural,

Force myself to be quiet.

Would you rather be with someone,

Even if it's wrong,

Or be alone?

They say over 80% of women stay.

The devil you know,

Over the potential you don't.

Maybe I'll follow myself,

Move to an island.

Find sun-filled shores.

But children,

Oh, my children,

The impossibility of a life divided for them.

So maybe I will stay,

And never find love again.