Sisyphus

Here I am,
Sisyphus,

believing I've almost reached the top.

Boulder as heavy

as the time before.

And though I tire,

I do not quit.

This time,

I thought, 

this time I would make it.

Almost at the precipice,

when the boulder began, once again, to fall

crushing me in the process.

Broken,

I return to the bottom

and begin to push.

Hopeless,

but, no...

...hopeful enough,

to try again.

Vices

I use up my joy by giving it away.

Handing energy out to people

who have none to give back.

Hoping they keep it for a little while. 

Too many people prefer me sad.

When I'm happy,

really happy,

I dive full force into the world.

Unashamed,

Unafraid.

It frightens people,

that level of joy.

They would rather me be smaller,

more contained.

I don't want these virtues.

They've never done me any good.

Humility,

Selflessness,

Self-control.

Take them back.

Give me a pride that won't be tamed.

Let me take what I want with abandon.

Open the cage door, set me free.

But oh,

they won't like me that way.

Too much,

too loud,

too bright.

They'll try to shove me back down.

As they have before.

Well,

f*** you all,

I'm done with virtue.

Let's see how these vices play. 

Days on my Mind

On the days
when I am a clear mind;

Like the view from the mountains
to the sea
from the hill behind
my grandparents house;

I can see a way to exist.
To move forward with joy
and love,
even with all that has been lost.

Other days 
when my mind is a cloud;

Like the day I could not see
my parents balcony across the way,
hidden by suffocating smog
not a storm, but pollution;

All I see is darkness.
Trapped by expectations
and past beliefs,
unable to find my way forward.

Today,
my mind is empty, blank;

Like I am awaiting a telescope
to find the galaxies,
hidden billions of years deep
inside my soul;

Waiting on the universe.
Dropping all control
and longing,
allowing what will be, to be.

Shattered

I heard the crack,
the breaking,
residual silence.

These cuts are deep.
And the blood pours heavy
warm and pulsating
down my arm.

But now, after the stitches,
I still find the fragments
laying on the floor.
Slicing my hands as I pick them up.

The pain is endless,
deep and heavy
Or
shallow and sharp.

Every time I sweep 
I find more tiny slivers and shards
Lodged in my feet.

A neverending torment
reminding me 
that my world is now shattered.

Sharks in the Water

I'm trapped
underwater
Sharks swimming.

Keep
them
at bay.

No scent of blood

But my wound is gaping
and they can smell it.

Swim
Up

Get out

Get out

Before I'm eaten alive. 

If I Ever Find Love Again

If I ever find love again,

I will be chosen.

I will not chase them down,

Determined,

Strong,

Loving.

I will wait,

Hold myself in ways that are unnatural,

Force myself to be quiet.

Would you rather be with someone,

Even if it's wrong,

Or be alone?

They say over 80% of women stay.

The devil you know,

Over the potential you don't.

Maybe I'll follow myself,

Move to an island.

Find sun-filled shores.

But children,

Oh, my children,

The impossibility of a life divided for them.

So maybe I will stay,

And never find love again.

When Insanity Shouts: Listen

There is something particularly cruel about this one.

A brother detoxing, some days barely alive 
In my guest room.

A little girl, two and a half,
By my side day in and out.

Pregnant, anxious with worry,
After the miscarriage.

 
Caring for all of you,
In my home,
In my womb.

I remember weeping,
Begging him,
Because I felt so alone. 

And him,
Claiming he was trying,

He didn't know what to do.

A hotel room in Cincinnati.
Did it feel like home wasn't real?
Like he could be a man free
Of problems
Of responsibilities
Of family?

The problems he was ignoring
Even when he was home.
I married a Lost Boy,
And Wendy-bird, she can solve anything.

And she did.
Over and over again.

Feed the brother.
Read to the daughter.
Sing to the unborn baby.
Clean the house.
Make dinner for your overworked husband.
Ignore the insanity in your head.

Even though the insanity knew,
Somehow, the whole time.

Keep trying,
Don't break.
Take care of them,

No one else will.

Don't look around to see,
There is no one to take care of you.