Disillusioned

He said he could never tell if I was happy,

Or just pretending to be. 

I remember being happy.

So much of the time.

Telling him our life was good,

over and over.

But he couldn't believe me.

He said he never took care of me,

He could never figure out how.

It's easy,

Taking care of someone.

If you really love them,

enough to try.

But he couldn't try.

He said he wouldn't...

...wouldn't try.

I thought all those years were him trying.

In Black

Only wearing black this weekend,
mourning them with celebrations.
They're still here,
just not the way they were.

Plus, they always loved me in black.

3 Weeks

He loved me for 3 weeks.

The first 2 like a rapid inhale,

As if I was a drug he had accidentally tried,

And fallen into a deep addiction to.

He loved me those days,

calling me at every free moment.

Caring for my wounds

that he had not caused.

I was the obsession eating through his brain.

And I had been starved,

so I kept eating.

By the end of week 2,

he had seen me cry.

It broke something in him.

He spent week 3 sleeping,

constant,

10 hours a day.

While, I, who had gorged on his obsession.

Sat satiated,

watching. Waiting.

When he woke he thought he could love me again.

But those tears

and the obsession.

He was afraid to inhale again.

So he held his breath.

Hoping he could hold me still.

But I either fill your lungs,

or dissipate into nothing.

He let me go,

smoke into air.

And now I grow thin again,

with nothing to feed me.

No ability to have a love that satisfies. 

In 34 Years

I dream of you at 60.
Worn hands and tired eyes.
Wrinkles in all the right places from laughter.
A life of joy.

Will you find your way back to me then?
After our time apart?

I know you cannot keep me,
through these next years. 
You have to go and be.
Without me.

But please, my love,
Please.

Return to me grey and contented.
I'll love you then as I do now. 
A kiss to the inside of your wrist. 
Tracing my hands along your shoulders.
Gentle, and easy.

There's no one else with whom I welcome age.
Just you. 

Scent

I can't get the smell of you off of me.

The thing I used to love,
Crave.
Stuck, clawing to my hair and skin.

I showered twice when I got home;
After I threw up.
Yet it lingers.

I've been trying to scrub you off for months now.
Feeling like I can finally breathe,
Without catching you:
Your hair,
Body,
Clothes,
Skin,
Lurking around every corner.

But today,
You were back.
Without warning.

And now I'm once again tortured,
By the scent of you.

Uglier

My toes are uglier without you
and my knees.

I've never felt more beautiful
than when you looked at me.

And now that you refuse to look,
each piece of me is uglier.

Disfigured to my own eyes.
I was beautiful because you believed me to be.

Lost You Both

Today 
After we walked away,
I wanted to call you. 
And say,

I finally met up with him,
But it was awkward
And tense

And he didn't interact with me
Like he wanted me there.

And you would have laughed
At my awkward stories
And how I felt so wrong

But I can't call you
About you.
My person.
No longer mine.

So instead I will sit on the train
Alone
And cry.

Having lost a lover,
And a friend
All at once.