Don't believe all the things you hear:

Tonight I will make my room really, really cold. I will not shut my window. I will not put on more clothes. I will be cold. Because if I'm going to be alone, I might as well be cold while doing it.

Tonight I will listen to songs on repeat until I sleep. I will not change the playlist. I will not turn it off. I will listen. Because if I'm going to tell myself something over and over, I might as well hear it in a song.

Tonight I will not use my phone until the sun rises. I will not check to see if he has texted. I will not call anyone else. I will wait. Because if I'm not going to ask for help, I should just accept that I'm not going to get any.

Tonight I will drink an overabundance of water. I will not search for chocolate. I will not find that stashed wine. I will drink only water. Because if I'm going to pretend something can make me feel better, it might as well be healthy.

Tonight I will fall asleep. I will not lie awake for hours. I will not wake up in a panic. I will stay asleep. Because it's the one thing I really need, I just need to sleep.

Please world, let me sleep.

When you are with me and near me I am afraid of nothing, but through phone lines I feel you slipping, slipping, and slipping away.

Texts from Alison:

"I dreamt about you all night long. We were magical and battling against some Asian-style cartoons. We had super rad outfits and you helped me barter for a notebook on our quest. Then we flew back to California and I met your family and friends and OH THE BEST PART is the whole time we had these backpacks that could make us hover 30 feet above the ground and your friends smoked cigarettes doing it in an airport but nobody could even catch them because they were so much higher. Anyway I love you and want to go on an adventure BAD.

It was the best dream ever I didn't want to wake up at all haha it was way better than my current reality. I mean, hover backpacks??? I need one"

Oh let us please always be friends long lost twin

Said in trucks:

"You know I'm a horrible person right?"

"We all are. But you're good where it counts."

Home and Hope

As I drove over the mountains I became filled with a deep, overwhelming desire for a place I know does not exist. It hit me so hard that I struggled to breathe and tears began to fill my eyes. I down shifted into third to get enough power to make it up this hideously long hill and I told myself to calm down. Inhale, Exhale, Inhale again. My heart was growing even more heavy, drenched in salt water like a dripping sponge. As I reached the top of the hill the sun broke through the sea of clouds and my heart wrung itself out just enough. The sun burned through my window and began to dry my drowning heart. I was not home. I may never be home. But I had gained the smallest piece of home back again and that was enough. The smallest piece of home is hope, and that's really the only piece I need.

"And I...

...can't tell if you're laughing

Between each smile there's a tear in your eye"

Excerpt:

I found myself looking at the waves and the wind instead of at Jesus in the boat. And I realized I was sinking, sinking into the dark empty nothingness. So I grabbed on to the tiny rafts that floated by. I clung on to find some safety. Safety in the others clinging on with me. "I can help you!" they said and grasped at my hands. I held on because they were a danger I could see and know, and what swam beneath me was a danger unknown, a darkness unfathomable. So I would float with first one, and then when I knew they could no longer help me, I swam to another one, and another, until I found someone who could tackle all the other rafts out at sea. Someone big enough to fight all the others away, big enough to keep my feet dry. But no one was big enough to cover my own darkness. And I realized what was swimming beneath was the depths of my dark and empty soul.  In my fear I forgot that my options are never just two. The choice is not to either sink in the depths or cling to drifting logs tied with string, the choice should always be one. To stand in the waves and look up at the face of Jesus and have Him rescue me. Because I want so badly to believe that I can accomplish life on my own. But on my own I always will sink. And I can cling to those drowning with me or I can cling to true life. So I looked up expecting the emptiness that I had always seen around me. Expecting Jesus to be gone in His boat, off to save someone worthy of saving as I was sure I was not. But when I looked up I realized He had been there the whole time. Saying to me "Why did you doubt?" Why did I doubt? And my heart finally began to believe what I had known in my head all along: that He loves me now. Not tomorrow, not after I stop making a mess, not when I realize that I am a mess. Now. And yesterday, and the day before, and all those years of clinging to the lives of others. He loved me, He loves me. And the waves don't seem so big, the wind doesn't howl so strong, if I cling to Him. I am not so cold, and I am not alone, if I cling to Him. So that is who I will cling to, the only thing that will not fail, when all else around me does. I will cling to Him.