Concussed Stream of Consciousness

 Oct. 2020

I've been concussed now for about 10 days. My brain feels like the tide coming in and slowly going out as I forget what I remembered only a few moments ago. 

I don't know if I will ever be quite the same as I was before. The documentary told me that the only things that called people users were drug dealers and social media companies, so maybe I've just become a user to everything around me and now I'm finally feeling like I'm a little bit free. The addiction that wants me is overwhelming at times. Not of substances, but instead of this constant need for connection both personal and impersonal. To know that the world is as I think it is. To have enough knowledge to appear smarter than those around me. To believe the things I believe. To know there is purpose and meaning when it feels like there might not be any, anywhere, ever.

Maybe I will go back to normal in a week. I won't remember these things or feel these things, but right now I do. And right now I know that time does not go in a line and it does not work in the way that we imagine it to work. But instead, time connects us and circles and loops as we struggle to break free of our constant depression and self-loathing and we hope that there is more that we can be. More connection than we dreamed possible for ourselves. But is this reality, or is the concussion talking again? Pulling me back into the peaceful darkness.