Excerpt:

I found myself looking at the waves and the wind instead of at Jesus in the boat. And I realized I was sinking, sinking into the dark empty nothingness. So I grabbed on to the tiny rafts that floated by. I clung on to find some safety. Safety in the others clinging on with me. "I can help you!" they said and grasped at my hands. I held on because they were a danger I could see and know, and what swam beneath me was a danger unknown, a darkness unfathomable. So I would float with first one, and then when I knew they could no longer help me, I swam to another one, and another, until I found someone who could tackle all the other rafts out at sea. Someone big enough to fight all the others away, big enough to keep my feet dry. But no one was big enough to cover my own darkness. And I realized what was swimming beneath was the depths of my dark and empty soul.  In my fear I forgot that my options are never just two. The choice is not to either sink in the depths or cling to drifting logs tied with string, the choice should always be one. To stand in the waves and look up at the face of Jesus and have Him rescue me. Because I want so badly to believe that I can accomplish life on my own. But on my own I always will sink. And I can cling to those drowning with me or I can cling to true life. So I looked up expecting the emptiness that I had always seen around me. Expecting Jesus to be gone in His boat, off to save someone worthy of saving as I was sure I was not. But when I looked up I realized He had been there the whole time. Saying to me "Why did you doubt?" Why did I doubt? And my heart finally began to believe what I had known in my head all along: that He loves me now. Not tomorrow, not after I stop making a mess, not when I realize that I am a mess. Now. And yesterday, and the day before, and all those years of clinging to the lives of others. He loved me, He loves me. And the waves don't seem so big, the wind doesn't howl so strong, if I cling to Him. I am not so cold, and I am not alone, if I cling to Him. So that is who I will cling to, the only thing that will not fail, when all else around me does. I will cling to Him.

From August:

My heart in this place is torn

I've never felt so much
Beauty
and Light
In one place

But I miss you
I miss you
I miss you repeats
Over and over
In my head

I wish you could see this
The way I see it
The way the colors meld
The way the sun feels
The way the ocean sounds

My mind in this place is muddled

I've never been so
Sure
and Confident
As I am here

But I'm lonely
I'm lonely
I'm lonely penetrates
My constant barrier
Between my head and my heart


I wish I could see this
The way she sees it
The way the cloudless sky burns
The way the nights never last
The way the desolate desert dries

My soul in this place knows:
It is partway home